1
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,095
{\an8}<i>My name is Frank.</i>

2
00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:17,684
{\an8}<i>I've had a great life, a family,</i>
<i>lots of friends, adventures,</i>

3
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,145
<i>but I'm ready for a change.</i>

4
00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:22,898
<i>One last shot at finding true love.</i>

5
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:25,484
I'm hoping this is it.

6
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,368
{\an8}[audience cheering]

7
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,828
{\an8}Thank you. Hi.

8
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,209
{\an8}Thank you so much. Thank you.

9
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,879
Thank you and good evening,
<i>Bachelor</i> nation.

10
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:50,968
{\an8}I'm Jesse Palmer, and welcome to
<i>The Golden Bachelor </i>season finale.

11
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:56,056
{\an8}Of course we are coming to you live
from Los Angeles

12
00:00:56,139 --> 00:01:00,143
{\an8}as Frank's journey to find the love of
his life comes to a dramatic conclusion.

13
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:03,772
{\an8}Now admittedly,
the crew nor the producers were prepared

14
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:08,610
{\an8}to host a Bachelor as eccentric
as Frank Reynolds.

15
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:11,738
{\an8}In fact, this is the first season
in <i>Bachelor</i> history

16
00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:14,283
{\an8}where we considered ending
the entire franchise altogether.

17
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:19,246
{\an8}But, boy, are we glad we didn't,
because Frank captured our hearts,

18
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:21,373
{\an8}and tonight is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

19
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,792
{\an8}Will Frank find true love again?

20
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:26,712
{\an8}All I can say is that you'll have
to see it to believe it.

21
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,547
{\an8}So let's take a look back
at the season's highlights

22
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:31,174
{\an8}where Frank started
in a very different place

23
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,593
than where we find him today.

24
00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:33,677
[audience cheer]

25
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,304
<i>Let's get this show on the road.</i>

26
00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:41,059
Can't wait to find a Grade A,
prime cut piece of ****.

27
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:42,686
To love.

28
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:47,190
Frank, admittedly, was a little rougher
around the edges than we're accustomed to.

29
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:55,907
[laughs] All right,
so where are all the broads?

30
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,200
I dropped a couple of blueys.

31
00:01:57,284 --> 00:02:02,039
This baby's got about a half hour
to perform like, pew,

32
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,832
and then that's it. So, let's hurry up.

33
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:07,586
-Okay, the first car is arriving now.
-Okay, all right, good. The first car.

34
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:09,171
Oh, my God, I'm getting a chubby.

35
00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,673
Look at this. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

36
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:14,760
Ooh. Here it comes. I'm anticipating this…

37
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,763
Oh, let's see, yeah.

38
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,685
{\an8}-Uh, nope.
-Excuse me?

39
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:25,812
-No. No. Nope.
-[Jesse] Frank, Frank.

40
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,606
[Frank] Pass, pass, pass, it's a pass.

41
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,025
You can walk by. You can keep on going.

42
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,110
Just walk on by. That's it.

43
00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:35,364
Next, next, next. Bring the next one in.

44
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,409
-Uh-uh.
-Frank.

45
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,411
No, no. Absolutely not.

46
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,872
No, no. Pass on. Next.
Let's go to the next one.

47
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,791
Next one, this is not working out.
What's going on?

48
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:48,168
Frank, there's a time for this.
It's just not right now.

49
00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,462
All right, bring the next one on,
bring the next one on.

50
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:55,133
{\an8}I'm starting to get nervous.
What do we got?

51
00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,137
Holy… Oh…

52
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:02,557
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

53
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,976
No, pass, pass, pass.

54
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:07,145
Are all these whores gonna be this old?

55
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:10,565
Why did I do this?
I don't know what's the matter with me.

56
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:12,818
What the **** did I do?

57
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:16,363
Everyone that got out of the car,
I mean, they were, like, crackling.

58
00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:18,615
I mean, you could hear
their **** crackling.

59
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,200
[imitates cracking]

60
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,244
-It was like, just, old meat.
-Frank,

61
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,121
honestly, you didn't understand
the premise of this show?

62
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,164
Well, I knew there would be
a couple of duds,

63
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:29,960
but I thought you Hollywood people
were all about diversity.

64
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,837
Well, there's gonna be women
of every ethnicity here.

65
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,381
Age. Diversity of age.

66
00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:37,843
Frank, the show's called
<i>The Golden Bachelor</i>.

67
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,636
[stammers] <i>Golden Bachelor</i>, my ****.

68
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,179
I'm **** out of here

69
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:44,141
unless I find something
coming out of that car that I like.

70
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,684
[scoffs] You gotta do something.

71
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,270
-You ever watch TikTok?
-Yeah, of course.

72
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:50,981
Well, you ever…
you ever hear of Cock Chewa?

73
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,065
-Cock Chewa?
-Cock Chewa…

74
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,651
[Jesse] <i>And so in a series</i>
<i>of Golden Bachelor firsts,</i>

75
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,362
we caved into Frank's demands.

76
00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,948
<i>I saw this trash on TikTok.</i>

77
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,825
Her name was Cock Chewa.

78
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:06,413
Her catchphrase was, "Chew on that thang."

79
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,664
I had to have her.

80
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,000
My heart's beating a mile a minute.

81
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,293
Let's see what happens.

82
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,840
Oh, oh, oh.

83
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,968
What's coming out? [gasps]

84
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,680
Oh! It's her.
That's her. [giggles] That's her!

85
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,891
{\an8}-Hey, y'all! [laughs]
-[Frank laughs]

86
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,435
{\an8}-Chew on that thang.
-Chew on that thang!

87
00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,729
-Chew on that thang.
-[Frank] Okay. She's it. She's the one.

88
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:31,897
-Wait, what? What?
-[Frank] I picked her.

89
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,648
-Yeah, she's it. Okay, that's it.
-[Jesse] Wait, what?

90
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,650
-I choose her. Yes.
-I get paid for this, right?

91
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,736
Yeah, the game's over. We can take her.

92
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,280
No, no, no, Frank.
It's only the first episode, okay?

93
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:43,450
We have to go through this whole process,
otherwise there can't be a show.

94
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:46,661
-[stammers] All right, well, you get paid.
-Yeah.

95
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:47,746
It's the first night,

96
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,040
so you're gonna have
to wait a little while

97
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,751
-to chew on that thang.
-Chew on that thang.

98
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,795
-[laughs] Chew on that thang.
-Okay, let's just keep it moving here.

99
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,881
Oh, baby, am I boned up.
Okay, here let's go.

100
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,258
Okay. Okay.

101
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:01,843
All right.

102
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:05,096
Oops, I thought you said
we were done with the old ones.

103
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:10,602
{\an8}Uh, hi. Very nice to see you,
you know. But no.

104
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:13,271
-But no. Okay, so anyway, pass.
-Oh.

105
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:17,776
But, you know, go on inside and keep warm.
I'll get you out of here ASAP.

106
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:21,279
You're kidding me.
This cretin is the bachelor?

107
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,448
I got better looking boils.

108
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:27,661
[cackles] That was a good one.
You got me there. You got me there.

109
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:30,247
Well, maybe I'll keep this one around
just to entertain me.

110
00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,958
She got me with that… That was very…

111
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:35,460
She's good.
Let's lump her in with the other one.

112
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:39,005
We'll see how it goes.
That was funny. She was pretty funny.

113
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:43,468
Oh. Oh. What's this?
I thought I said no dudes.

114
00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:46,012
Oh, I have an Amazon Prime delivery
for a, uh, Frank Reynolds.

115
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,389
-Oh, Frank Reynolds, that's me.
-Okay.

116
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,058
Yeah, that's me.
Oh, yeah, this… Thank you.

117
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:52,769
{\an8}Oh, my, my, that was so fast.

118
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,814
{\an8}Amazon Prime deliveries are so fast.

119
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,774
Frank, what are you doing?
You can't bring your own plugs.

120
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,902
{\an8}Yeah… I… No, we… No plugs.
Their items are very meaningful to me.

121
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:05,740
I am fired up about Chewy.
That's a broad I could spend my life with.

122
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,910
And the other one's good too.
They both got mouths on 'em.

123
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:11,496
One's an on-ramp, one's an off-ramp.

124
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,498
I'm leaning toward the 20-year-old.

125
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:15,709
Since Frank had already chosen
his final two,

126
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:19,337
we had to get creative
with the situations we put them in.

127
00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,132
[Frank] So, uh, where you from?

128
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,550
Gang, gang. [laughs]

129
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,219
Chew, chew. [gnaws]

130
00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:27,762
[imitates baby crying]

131
00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,265
Gang, gang. Gang. Gang, gang.

132
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,893
[blows raspberry] That's a butthole.

133
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,603
Thank you, y'all. Thank you.

134
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,521
[stammering] What's that?
What are you doing?

135
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,231
I'm making money on a live stream.

136
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,317
-Huh?
-Gang, gang. [grunts]

137
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,735
-[imitates dog]
-You're making…

138
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:45,030
-[grunting]
-So, uh, yeah, yeah, hmm.

139
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,782
-[blows raspberry]
-[stammers]

140
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,159
-Well, what kind of music do you like?
-Thank you.

141
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,243
[gnawing]

142
00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:52,329
[Frank] <i>The conversation</i>
<i>was a little rough.</i>

143
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,040
<i>I didn't know what the hell</i>
<i>she was doing with the phone.</i>

144
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:58,209
I guess people pay her
to respond to emojis?

145
00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:00,086
I was losing my patience.

146
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:04,257
[imitating baby crying] Gang, gang.
Chew, chew. Chew. [gnaws]

147
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,843
Look, if we don't bang soon,
I'm gonna boot you off the show.

148
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,014
<i>-Well, that worked like a charm.</i>
-All right.

149
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,849
[Frank] <i>We banged three times that night.</i>

150
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:16,436
And on some kind of
OnlyFans live stream thing.

151
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:19,064
Made 12 grand. It was incredible.

152
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,691
Except for the chewing. [huffs]

153
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,109
That was weird as hell.

154
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:28,782
I-I thought it was more of a catch phrase
than an actual method. [gnawing]

155
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:36,790
Where the **** is he?

156
00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,208
-Wow. I'm sorry I'm late.
-Oh, hey.

157
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,794
I had to dump out big time. [scoffs]

158
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,296
Oh, well, that makes two of us.

159
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,006
Just got here myself.

160
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:48,843
Took the liberty of ordering us
the seafood linguine.

161
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:53,515
-Oh. Strong choice. I like that.
-[chuckles] Uh-huh.

162
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,975
-Yeah? [chuckles]
-Yeah, yeah.

163
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,938
So… Hmm. Mm-mmm.

164
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:02,816
What now?

165
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,778
Ah. Well…

166
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,574
we could get the linguine to go,
go back to your place.

167
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:15,578
I would say we bang at my place,
but I don't want you hanging around after.

168
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,790
-You get it.
-What makes you think I'm gonna bang you?

169
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,626
All right,
we bang after dinner. [stammers]

170
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:24,003
-Eh, make love.
-Hmm.

171
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,923
Yeah. So what's your deal?
Were you ever married?

172
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:28,967
If you must know.

173
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,178
[sighs] My husband's dead.

174
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,180
You knock him off?

175
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:38,435
They say he got chomped in two
by a great white

176
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:41,187
while he was snorkeling off
the coast of Maine.

177
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,939
Ooh, wicked.

178
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:46,943
Personally, I think he was
smuggling drugs down from Canada,

179
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:50,071
got chainsawed by some cartel.

180
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,949
They only found the bottom half.

181
00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:55,910
Nasty.

182
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:58,413
Mmm. Nasty business.

183
00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:00,040
Did you keep the dong?

184
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,377
Of course I did.

185
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:08,798
I had it pickled and put in a jar.

186
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,550
-Yeah.
-Wow…

187
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,263
That's what I would have wanted.

188
00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:18,391
-Hmm.
-Wow. Beautiful.

189
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:20,894
Hmm.

190
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,980
[Frank] <i>I have to say</i>
<i>I enjoyed the conversation.</i>

191
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,441
We talked all night, didn't even bang.

192
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:29,527
Which is probably better
because my cock was chewed to ****.

193
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:33,114
So Frank was left with a dilemma.
Who was he gonna choose?

194
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:35,325
And for that he turned to his family.

195
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,327
But in a bizarre turn of events,

196
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:41,664
the producers learned that his family
was not his family at all.

197
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:45,543
-He had hired actors to play them.
-[audience gasp]

198
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,254
These people are maniacs.
You don't understand.

199
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:51,174
I was afraid they were gonna embarrass me
on national television.

200
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:55,720
So Frank was concerned
that his real family would embarrass him.

201
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,180
It was time to go to his hometown:

202
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:01,017
<i>Philadelphia.</i>
<i>The birthplace of our nation.</i>

203
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,061
Could it be the birthplace of a new love?

204
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,939
Things were off to a rocky start.

205
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:10,360
<i>I was terrified to have Sam</i>
<i>and Chewy meet the gang.</i>

206
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,654
But I have to admit,
they played it really cool.

207
00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:15,156
Well, here we are.

208
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,661
{\an8}-I'm so excited to see Frank.
-Oh, I'm just excited to meet the ladies.

209
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,371
If Frank likes them, I'll like them.

210
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,458
Wonder where they are. [chuckles]

211
00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,127
I, too, am feeling things.

212
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:32,257
Well, speak of the dev…
[stammers] Uh, speak of Frank.

213
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,424
[chuckles]

214
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,177
-Hello.
-[chuckles] Hi. Hi.

215
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:39,848
-[sighs] Well, here we are.
-[Dee] Uh-huh.

216
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:41,099
-Yeah.
-Oh.

217
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,059
I was really nervous
that you guys were gonna be mad

218
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,602
about the whole fake family thing.

219
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,271
-Oh. [chuckles]
-[blows raspberry, sighs]

220
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,315
-Frank, forget it, huh?
-Oh, no. Please, we get it.

221
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,692
-I don't care.
-You were nervous.

222
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:51,860
-Yeah.
-I'm passed that.

223
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:55,905
Yeah, I want you to know how happy we are
for both of you and for Frank.

224
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,824
-Well, thank you.
-We just want what's best for everyone.

225
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:58,908
-[Dee] That's right.
-Yeah, yeah.

226
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,744
Uh, Frank, should we take your dates
and get to know them a little better?

227
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,580
Oh.

228
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:07,417
-Okay. Uh, all right. Play nice.
-[chuckles]

229
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,501
[chuckles] Play nice.

230
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:11,129
-[laughs] Well, we always play nice.
-He's a funny guy, right?

231
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,714
-He's so funny.
-A joker.

232
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:16,092
Okay, listen, bitch.
You are not getting the money.

233
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,385
Yeah, you're too old to have a baby.

234
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,512
And if you try and adopt, so help me God,

235
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,681
we will snuff that thing out
like a cigarillo.

236
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,975
-Hmm.
-[whispers] You're on television.

237
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:26,102
-[scoffs, chuckles]
-Please.

238
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,937
I think we all know
Disney's never gonna air this.

239
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,856
-No, but you will have heard it.
-[Sam] What?

240
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,566
So listen to me and listen good.

241
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:35,778
You are not getting our money.

242
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,032
I have my own money.

243
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,701
You do?

244
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:43,786
Explain yourself.

245
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:48,374
I got chicken money and plenty of it too.

246
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:51,419
So whatever Frank's got,
he can just keep it.

247
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:54,088
I made my own fortune
on the backs of others.

248
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:57,717
I don't need to be pulling it out
of an old man's pocket.

249
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,428
-Chicken money.
-Chicken money, huh?

250
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,598
The chicken money comment
was a bit of a relief, you know?

251
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,475
-Not that I trust her.
-Well, no, that's true.

252
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,060
We're not really
the trusting kind, you know?

253
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,479
But if she does have this so-called
"chicken money",

254
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,147
then we wouldn't mind, uh…

255
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,316
[smacks lips] Wetting our beaks.

256
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,237
Did you see that? I didn't have to say it.

257
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,529
She-She walked right into it.

258
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:21,658
Dee's a bird.

259
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,960
[Mac] Uh… [stammers] …Chewy.
May I call you Chewy?

260
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,045
-Yeah.
-Chewy, we are a vibe.

261
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:35,672
And we need to know
how you're gonna fit in.

262
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,508
You know, I think it's important
that whoever we bring into the fold

263
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,592
fits with our dynamic.

264
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:42,387
Oh, I love the gays.
I'll chew on that thang.

265
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,348
That doesn't make any sense.
Moreover, it sickens me.

266
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,141
[stammers] What is this?
How is this gonna work?

267
00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,143
Like, there's no room
for you on my couch, man.

268
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,646
-There's just not.
-Okay. Well, we have to pick one, Charlie.

269
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:54,983
I don't want to pick one.
I don't understand why Frank did this.

270
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,734
If he was unhappy,
why didn't he come to me?

271
00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:00,363
You ruined this, okay? I need it
to go back to the way that it was.

272
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:01,948
Well, he's not gonna
just chew on that thang.

273
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,950
-Whatever y'all want.
-[sighs, stammers] What does that mean?

274
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,326
Why does she keep saying it?

275
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,453
-[gnawing]
-I'd seen all I needed to see.

276
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,247
I mean, we-we couldn't run the risk of
one of these women

277
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,541
becoming a major player
in our lives. [sighs]

278
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,543
We need to bring in
someone Frank might go for,

279
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,920
but who we know we can control. [sighs]

280
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:20,675
A woman with no personal ambitions
but who Frank could also bang.

281
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,635
-[glass clinks]
-Guys, I believe I have the first line.

282
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,846
-Uh, announcement.
-Announce. Just an announcement.

283
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,306
-It's just a natural conversation.
-Yes.

284
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,058
-He just has to talk first.
-Welcome to Mac and Dennis's apartment.

285
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,935
-Well, you're Mac.
-I'm Mac.

286
00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:32,145
-Well, he's just welcoming.
-Yeah.

287
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,980
This is Dennis, and this is our apartment.

288
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,065
-Yes.
-And we do a lot of hosting.

289
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,318
-That's right.
-And we are not a couple.

290
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:42,238
-No.
-But our living arrangement is

291
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:43,990
-perfectly age appropriate.
-[Charlie Kelly] But he is gay.

292
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:45,575
-Well, he is gay.
-Well… [grunts] …Goddamn it.

293
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,160
And I am gay.

294
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:50,038
Uh, I believe I may have snapped at Dennis
and hit him a little bit…

295
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,748
-Yeah, a little bit too hard.
-…too hard.

296
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,083
And also the fact that you're gay
is inconsequential because…

297
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,418
-It's playful.
-Yes.

298
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,712
…that's gonna make it sound like
maybe I'm not.

299
00:13:57,795 --> 00:14:00,298
-[laughs] Chew on that thang.
-What?

300
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:04,719
-She's not supposed to say that, right?
-Is that it? That's all she can say?

301
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,304
-The vocab is limited.
-Good.

302
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:07,805
-Yeah.
-I'ma barf on it.

303
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,766
-What?
-What?

304
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,267
[Mac] That's not your line.

305
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,061
-What are you… What are you doing?
-[Sam] What is she…

306
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:15,271
Ah. It's kind of a catchphrase that I do,
you know what I mean?

307
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:18,149
-She's kidding. You're kidding.
-Barf on that thing, y'all.

308
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,151
-[laughs] That's playful.
-[Sam] Oh, no.

309
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:21,778
-Well, no, no, no.
-[coughing]

310
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,738
Should I have a catchphrase?
I don't approve of this union.

311
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,323
Let's keep this evening about Frank, okay?

312
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,992
And not have… We don't have…
Nobody has any catchphrases.

313
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:31,412
We-we're just…
Uh, I'm gonna raise a toast… Um…

314
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:35,500
to these two wonderful women
and to an impossible choice.

315
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:36,751
-Yeah.
-Oh.

316
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:38,336
-[knocks on door]
-Oh.

317
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:40,755
-My, my. Who could that be?
-Oh. What's this?

318
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,174
Goddamn it.

319
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:45,510
[sighs]

320
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,098
Hey… Oh, Miss… Ms. Kelly.

321
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:53,101
{\an8}-Mom.
-My God. Well, what brings you here?

322
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:57,188
{\an8}To be a slut and to marry Frank.

323
00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,356
That was…

324
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:00,191
-Oh.
-[laughing]

325
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,653
Really? Oh, good.
Dennis, did you put her up to this?

326
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:05,154
What do you mean? She just came over.

327
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,573
Already I have to deal
with two sluts and now a third?

328
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:09,826
-[grunts, coughs]
-Start over, Mac! Start over.

329
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,870
-[screaming]
-[objects clattering]

330
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:19,627
**** yeah!

331
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,966
[audience cheering]

332
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:33,683
Now the stakes were even higher
with a third woman in the mix,

333
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,059
but luckily for Frank,

334
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,187
he'd have the fantasy suites
to help him make up his mind.

335
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:41,816
<i>This was the hardest decision of my life.</i>
<i>What's the order?</i>

336
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:46,571
Do I go Chewy first and work my way
to Bonnie through Sam?

337
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:50,491
Or do I run the risk of being gnawed
to a stump and have to heal?

338
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,493
I was feeling so many things.

339
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,413
And then, I had an idea.

340
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:58,833
Frank, there is no way
Disney is ever gonna go with that.

341
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,042
It's what I want.

342
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,961
No, Frank, we have to stagger them.

343
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,630
[Frank] I'll handle that
once we're in the middle of it.

344
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:05,923
Look, you wanna join us?

345
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:09,385
I don't love it,
but no eye contact and we're good.

346
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,137
All right. Let's go ahead. Let's go.

347
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,639
Ha! Let's go, ladies.

348
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:17,268
We're gonna do kind of a group situation.

349
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:20,271
Why don't you just come this way?

350
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,148
-There you go. There you go.
-Yeah.

351
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,400
-O-Okay, listen to me, Frank.
-Hey.

352
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:25,776
I'm no prude, right?

353
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:28,154
I mean, I was in the navy, right?

354
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:31,365
I took a whole destroyer
full of torpedoes, you know?

355
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:33,242
[chuckles] That's pretty funny, Sam.

356
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,911
Yeah, but here's the thing:

357
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,331
I feel like I'm ready to settle down
and, you know… [laughs]

358
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:43,127
-…I got feelings for-for-for you, Frank.
-You do?

359
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:45,713
Yeah, you know. Ain't that something.

360
00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:47,924
I-I gotta tell you a little story, right?

361
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,259
Well, I'm kind of on the clock here,
you know?

362
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,469
Yeah, okay.

363
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,138
When I was a little girl,

364
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:57,808
I shortened my name to Sam
and I told everybody,

365
00:16:57,892 --> 00:17:00,019
"Ooh, I-I really liked that
so much better,"

366
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,355
but I didn't.

367
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:09,278
I-I just thought that… Samantha,
that's-that's too long for anybody to say.

368
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:14,492
So-So I changed my name, Frank,
because I thought

369
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:18,746
that nobody would care enough
to take the time to say the whole thing.

370
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:22,124
Oh, my God. Stupid, huh? [laughs]

371
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:27,838
-Well, you were a kid. [stammers]
-I lived my whole life that way.

372
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:33,177
And when I was busy pretending
to be somebody that I wasn't,

373
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:40,434
you were living your life
being exactly who you are.

374
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:46,983
I just love that about you, Frank.

375
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:53,072
And I kind of thought
it was too late for me, but then,

376
00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:58,703
you've shown me that it's never too late

377
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:00,997
to find your heart.

378
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,541
And your voice.

379
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:05,376
And your name.

380
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:12,133
I think I'm falling in love
with you, Frank.

381
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,386
Yeah, I-I don't want to ruin that.

382
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,681
So, you know, I'm not going in there.

383
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,058
I'm-I'm gonna go.

384
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,820
[Jesse] <i>Sam had struck a chord.</i>

385
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,740
And now Frank had an even
tougher decision to make.

386
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:37,867
Just what was he going to do?

387
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,286
<i>Yeah, I mean, </i>
<i>I took a shot, right? </i>[chuckles]

388
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:44,498
<i>And I-I think he's feeling</i>
<i>the same things I am.</i>

389
00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:46,959
-At least, I hope so, right? [laughs]
-[knocks on door]

390
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:48,836
[Sam] Yeah.

391
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:55,760
[crew member] What's it say?

392
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:07,438
Look, as much as Dennis
wanted Frank to pick Bonnie,

393
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:10,149
we all knew he was gonna go
with the 20-year-old, so…

394
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:13,069
I devised that prank
to make sure she was cool.

395
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,238
The prank is this,
when they fly us out there, we set off

396
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:19,617
one of those elephant toothpaste bombs
in the mansion. [chuckles]

397
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,369
And then, if she likes it, she's in.

398
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:22,787
-[stammers] What the hell is that?
-What is that?

399
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,747
Oh. It's-It's like a chemical reaction.
Check it out.

400
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,710
-Cool, huh?
-[Dennis] Oh. Yeah.

401
00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:32,213
This is a good idea though, Mac.
I could work with this.

402
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,798
-Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
-Okay.

403
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:37,593
So Frank was concerned
that his real family would embarrass him.

404
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,221
Well, we've got them here with us tonight.

405
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,056
How do you guys feel about that?

406
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:44,725
[audience scream, gasp]

407
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:45,810
Well…

408
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:51,982
The situation… [strains, gasps] …under
the circumstances is quite understandable.

409
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:57,780
Our appearance may seem gruesome,
but all can be quite easily explained.

410
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:58,989
[straining] Oh. Indeed.

411
00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:00,408
-[Charlie Kelly] Yeah.
-Indeed.

412
00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:04,537
As you can tell,
our voices have also been affected,

413
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,707
creating an unintentionally sinister tone.

414
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:10,501
-So, where did things go wrong, guys?
-Well…

415
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,420
[straining] There seems
to have been a miscalculation.

416
00:20:12,503 --> 00:20:15,005
-Our hubris got the best of us.
-Nonsense.

417
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:20,928
There was no mix-up in the laboratory,
no… [gasps] …neglect of the pH balance.

418
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:23,305
It was my jealousy of these women

419
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,851
that drove me
to surreptitiously add 20 gallons

420
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:30,896
-of Nair hair removal into the concoction.
-[audience gasp]

421
00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:32,523
Wait, wait, you did what?

422
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:38,529
<i>You wear short shorts</i>
<i>If you dare wear short shorts, Nair for--</i>

423
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,030
Yeah, we know the product.

424
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:41,240
You're familiar with it?

425
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,700
Do you guys know the song?

426
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,660
-Yes, we know the goddamn song.
-Yes.

427
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:45,953
Uh. Okay, okay, okay, that's just…

428
00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:47,913
We're gonna stop right there.

429
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:50,332
Uh. So with no help
from his family whatsoever,

430
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:53,586
Frank is now left with the most
important choice of his entire life.

431
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:57,673
And on that final night he had
to make that choice alone.

432
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,385
Ooh.

433
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,055
Frank, it's the final rose.

434
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:08,017
This is it. So who will you choose?

435
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,102
Will it be Bonnie or Sara?

436
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:12,938
Who the hell is Sara?

437
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:16,358
You actually thought that the woman's
birth name was Cock Chewa?

438
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:19,111
Oh. Never gave it much thought.

439
00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:20,654
America is waiting.

440
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:24,116
Frank, who are you gonna give it to?

441
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:32,124
Well, Bonnie, you are a dirty, dirty slut.

442
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,335
Thank you, Frank.

443
00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:35,503
And you're old as hell.

444
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:41,050
But-But I gotta be honest,
you bone me up like nobody else.

445
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,136
So it's really hard not to choose you.

446
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:51,560
Chewy, I gotta be honest,
I don't like the teeth.

447
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:56,315
I-I never understood the chewing thing.
I mean, people like that?

448
00:21:56,398 --> 00:21:57,775
Chew on that thang?

449
00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:01,111
It's weird as hell.
It hurts, your chomping on it.

450
00:22:01,195 --> 00:22:04,031
-I mean, it's like… [gnaws]
-[gnawing]

451
00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:06,951
You go deep, deep, deep.
[gnaws] The bottom? Oh.

452
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,537
I may never recover from that. [sighs]

453
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:11,789
But I gotta say,

454
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:17,211
you are so goddamn hot.

455
00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:19,463
It is hard not to choose you.

456
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:22,049
I gotta make a decision.

457
00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:28,055
I gotta make a decision.

458
00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:32,518
And…

459
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:35,229
my decision is…

460
00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:43,070
[Frank] Sam!

461
00:22:44,113 --> 00:22:46,448
Sam! Sam, where are you?

462
00:22:48,284 --> 00:22:49,285
Sam!

463
00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:51,412
Sam!

464
00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:54,874
Sam!

465
00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,796
Samantha! Samantha!

466
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:02,715
[Sam] Frank.

467
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,175
-Frank.
-Saman… Oh.

468
00:23:05,676 --> 00:23:07,553
Samantha, don't get on that bus.

469
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,263
I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot.

470
00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:11,515
But most of all I'm a coward.

471
00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:14,977
I-I didn't let you go
because I didn't like you.

472
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,898
I-I got rid of you
because I like you too much

473
00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:20,983
and it scared the shit out of me.

474
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,235
I'm just like you, Samantha.

475
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:26,447
But together we don't have to be afraid.

476
00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:31,243
Would you accept this rose and be my wife?

477
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:38,125
Frank,

478
00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:40,002
I will.

479
00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:45,049
[chuckles]

480
00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:58,562
[Ms. Kelly] <i>Be strong, Bonnie.</i>

481
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:01,982
Be strong for your little gingerbread man.

482
00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:03,567
-Bonnie?
-[chuckles]

483
00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:04,860
How do you guys know each other?

484
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:07,655
-This is my date.
-Yeah.

485
00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:10,699
One. Two. Three. [sighs]

486
00:24:10,783 --> 00:24:13,661
-Why are you doing everything in threes?
-So Charlie doesn't die.

487
00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:14,995
Show us on the doll.

488
00:24:15,079 --> 00:24:16,121
Show you what?

489
00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:17,706
Where he touched you.

490
00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,375
I don't want a dog
to eat my face, Charlie.

491
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,043
She doesn't want a dog eating her face.

492
00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:22,920
Oh. Sorry.

493
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,004
You!

494
00:24:24,088 --> 00:24:26,006
-[Charlie Kelly chuckles] Hey.
-Merry Christmas.

495
00:24:26,090 --> 00:24:27,841
-I'm so excited. It's almost Christmas!
-I'm so excited!

496
00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:31,887
I'll be in the kitchen making
gingerbread men for my gingerbread boy.